It's Not What You Say, It's How You Say It
by andi839
Summary: What does 'I love you' mean?  All humor.
1. Chapter 1

Rating: FR7

Genre: Humor

Characters: The Team

Pairing: Tony/Ziva?

Summary: What does 'I love you' mean? A NFA White Elephant Exchange Story for iheartgibbs.

Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or any of its characters.

The Prompt: A note or email is misinterpreted, making one member of the team think he/she has a secret admirer. Can be gen if you want to make it humor and focus on the misunderstanding. Primary characters are up to you; any het pairing.

Part 1: The Set Up

"Did you find the guy, McGee?" Abby turned around to greet Tim as he brought a box of evidence into her lab.

"Yes, can you believe that he was hiding in his mother's basement?" Tim set the box down and handed the chain of evidence documents to her. "He's in an interrogation room right now refusing to talk. Ziva's with him; I bet he'll crack any moment. Her glare is so menacing, a priest would confess to murder just to escape sitting in the same room with her."

"Ooh, that sounds like a Chuck Norris joke." Seeing incomprehension on Tim's face, Abby elaborated. "You know, like 'Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.' Sister Rosita told me that one. We should make up Ziva David jokes. Like: 'When monsters go to sleep, they have their mommies check under the bed for Ziva David.'"

"That's a good one. Let me think." Tim pondered. "Ziva David is not just faster than a speeding bullet, she can run circles around Superman while he tries to outrun the bullet."

"It was a nice try, but kind of awkward. What about 'Ziva David never has to shovel snow; it melts under her glare.'"

"It's okay, but I already described her glare." Tim was warming to the challenge. "What do you think of this; 'Ziva David can divide by zero.'"

"Your innate geekiness is showing." Abby smiled. "Ziva David helps boy scouts cross the street."

"Nice. How about this one; 'Ziva David doesn't wear weapons for protection, the weapons wear Ziva.'"

"I like it. Ooh, listen to this one; 'Ziva David is so scary, she can make 'I love you' sound like a threat.'"

"That's not…"

"Not very nice, Abby." They spun to see Ziva lurking in the doorway. Tim's face turned a shade of green resembling canned asparagus while Abby continued to smile unabashedly. "I came down to tell you Westbrook confessed. My 'menacing stare' must have broken him."

"What did you… I didn't mean… We were just…" McGee stammered.

"Relax, McGee. I will not kill you." Ziva smirked.

Abby was grinning. "Do you think you could do it?"

"Do what?"

"Make 'I love you' sound like a threat."

"I have never tried; I suppose it is possible." Ziva mused.

"Would you try?"

"Abby!" Tim was shocked.

"It's a scientific study, Tim. What I want to know is if Ziva, with the right intonation, intensity and setting, is able use any words convey an intent, in this case a threat."

"You must have been thinking about this for some time." Ziva's eyebrows rose.

"I've been wondering just how threatening you can be, Ziva. Remember that case of theft at the hospital in Norfolk? You didn't even have to play with your knife to get the guy nervous enough to trip up and implicate himself."

"Abby!" Tim couldn't seem to put his objections into words.

Abby ignored Tim. "You were a spy. You know how to say things but mean something else entirely. Isn't that taught in Espionage 101?"

"Still, making I love you sound like a threat…" Ziva was unconvinced.

"It can be done. My Aunt Mozelle, you know, the one with all of the cats? She can use 'Bless your heart' to mean anything from 'you're so sweet' to 'you're an idiot.' But those words are a little ambiguous; you have to hear the context to understand the meaning. One time she said that to Cousin Lynn and Aunt Bert was walking through the hallway and didn't hear the beginning of the conversation and she thought that Aunt Mozelle actually approved of Cousin Lynn's purchase of the sterling silver punchbowl ladle when she'd just been…"

"Abby!" This time it was Ziva. "It is true that there are times I have said one thing but conveyed a different meaning. However, most of the time the other person understood my position. It might not work if…"

"Are you actually considering this?" Shocked, Tim finally found words.

"I am curious and bored. Unless some one dies in the next few hours, we will be stuck reviewing cold cases and attending required training seminars. A little experiment could alleviate some of the tedium."

"But who…"

"I know, Tony!" Abby exclaimed.

A slow smile graced Ziva's face. "An excellent subject."

"Why him?" Tim sounded somewhat disgruntled.

"He's not here to hear this conversation, he's familiar enough with Ziva that he won't faint when she approaches him, and I still owe him one for the time he hid Bert in the cold room." Abby's eyes narrowed as she remembered Tony's last prank.

"Couldn't this make it awkward for Tony later on?"

"You're just jealous he'll be hearing 'I love you' from Ziva." Abby teased.

"It's not that!" He protested.

"We would use you as the test subject, but you know about the experiment and the results would be tainted." Ziva smiled.

"No, just, I … I mean Tony … what about…" Tim stammered.

"Oh, once we explain it to him, he'll get a good laugh out of it." Abby waved away his concern.

"How will this work?" Ziva returned to planning.

"I have an idea…" Abby smiled.

End note: _Thanks to Pam and Barbara for the Ziva David jokes. _

"I'm hiding."

"From Jethro? I fear this is not the best place to avoid him."

"No, I'm hiding from Ziva."

"What have you done to Ziva to make you hide from her during the work day and risk incurring Gibbs' displeasure by your absence?"

"It's like this." Tony began. "A prank that I played to get her back for a prank she hadn't played yet went horribly wrong. How was I to know that plant would get tangled in with the office supplies that were swept off her desk?"

"I'm afraid I wasn't able to follow all of your explanation, but would it be correct to say that you attacked Ziva without provocation and now she is angry with you?

"Kind of."

"I understand your concern, but I don't think hiding from her will solve anything."

"It will give her time to cool down. I'm worried about my life and limbs."

"I'm sure she wouldn't do anything…permanent to you." Ducky said with a slight smile.

"I don't know; you didn't hear her."

"What did she say?"

"She said…" the rest of Tony's comment was incoherent.

"I couldn't hear you."

"She said 'I love you.'"

"And this concerns you because?"

"You didn't hear her, Duck. It was the way she said it. Does Israeli tradition require an endearment to be made before killing an enemy?"

"No, but American custom dictates that you never shoot a guy in the back." A new voice entered the conversation.

"Boss." Tony reddened.

"That's why I'm going to let you turn around before I say anything else." Gibbs' face was stern.

"I can explain."

"Yes?"

"Well, it's kind of complicated." Tony started.

"Does this have anything to do with Atteberry grumbling about the extra work cleaning the carpet?"

"Oh, man."

"I would suggest that you speak with him at the earliest opportunity. Ziva might be the deadlier of the two, but you do not want Thurman Atteberry angry with you, either." Ducky advised.

"DiNozzo, only you could create a mess on this large of a scale."

"I once had a coach who told me never to do anything half-way." Tony made an attempt at humor before Gibbs' hand connected with the back of his head. "Ow!"

"Now, it's quitting time for the rest of the team, but according to my estimate, you've been playing hooky for an hour and a half. I want to see you upstairs in your desk and working for at least that long before you pack up."

"Right, boss."

"What are you waiting for?" Gibbs asked when Tony showed no signs of leaving.

"Can't I wait until the rest of the team has left to begin? I promise I'll do two more hours if…"

"Now, DiNozzo!"

Upstairs, Tim and Ziva were shutting down their computers and preparing to leave for the evening. Abby was leaning against Tim's desk talking with the two agents. The conversation stilled as they all turned to watch Tony walk into the room.

Tony had the bearing of a man walking to his own execution. His footsteps faltered as he neared their desks as if he weren't sure of his destination, but Gibbs presence behind him spurred him on to stand in front of Ziva.

"Ziva, I want to," he looked back at his boss who nodded to him to continue, "to apologize to you for messing up your desk, damaging your plant, and dirtying your clothes. Can you forgive me?"

Ziva smiled. "Of course, Tony. You know I love you."

As Tony's face turned red, Gibbs began to laugh. In the background, Abby held out her hand to Tim who handed over her winnings with an aggrieved face.


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2: The "Revelation"

"So McGee, did you bring a pillow with you for today's seminar on the proper way to attach medical records to incident reports?" Tony dropped his pack on the floor as he greeted Tim.

"That's not really what it's about, is it?" Tim searched for the memo sent around the day before.

"It's close enough. Some lawyer will be here to discuss the 'Ramifications of Poor Filing Techniques on the Prosecution of the Accused in the Naval Judicial System.'"

"What?" Tim found the paper. "Tony, the title is 'Federal Protocols and Procedures for the Documentation and Processing of Physical Evidence,' presented by a JAG lawyer, Captain Amos Marcam."

"Whatever, I've yet to hear the end of it from Lt. Commander Coleman for the time I stapled, instead of clipped, my reports together." Tony stared at the phone intently. "Come on, dispatch. You know someone needs us."

"Tony, you're not actually hoping that someone's died?"

"No, but it would be really nice if some Admiral's daughter were to go missing…"

"Tony!"

"…And then turn up safe and sound in, say a week's time." Tony continued unabashed.

Tim's reply was interrupted by a text message. "It's Abby, she wants us to come to the lab."

"As yes, the Slaugenhaught case. It's been cold now for what? Seven years? Let me make a prediction. She's confirmed that she did everything right the first time and there's nothing new for us to learn from forensics."

Tim rolled his eyes. "You're just full of optimism today. Maybe she will have something new to tell us. The case is _six_ years old and there are several recently developed techniques she's considered using."

Tony continued to complain the entire trip to forensics. "…And if they bring in Janet Updegraff for Tuesday's seminar about the changes in accounting documentation I'll…" He was interrupted when Tim stopped abruptly and held up his hand. "What?"

"There's no music."

"That's odd. Maybe something's wrong with the stereo."

"She has a backup radio in the office," Tim disagreed. "Maybe someone died."

"No, she'd be playing a dirge. She only turns her music off when she leaves work or when she has something important to talk about. Let's listen." Tony quietly moved forward.

"Tony, have you forgotten that she is the one of the few people in the world who can kill you and leave absolutely no forensic evidence?" Tim carefully shielded his hands from Tony's sight as he sent the signal text to Abby.

"Shh. Quit worrying; she'd have to catch us first. I think I hear Ziva in there." He inched closer.

"What if she's hooked up a video camera…"

"Shh!"

They were close enough now to make out the conversation. "What is taking them so long to get here?" Abby was complaining.

"Maybe Ducky asked them to stop at autopsy to pick up his report," Ziva suggested.

"That could be; Ducky was reviewing some files last night when I left." Abby pouted, "I like to be the one they visit first."

"Oh, if it were up to Tim, you certainly would be first." Ziva's tone was teasing.

"Ziva!" Abby protested. "Maybe that was true at one time, but I have a suspicion that there's someone else at NCIS that he would put before me."

"Really?" Ziva sounded interested.

"Yep. I can tell he thinks a lot of this lady, but he's moving rather slowly. Perhaps if he weren't hindered by certain restrictions…" Abby left the thought hanging.

"He is quite the gentle man, unlike Tony."

Out in the hallway, Tony suppressed a protest.

"Hey, Tony can be thoughtful! Just look at the time and consideration he put into the Secret Santa gift for Dolores."

"You are right, Tony does have a well hidden, thoughtful side to him. I was speaking of Tim's endearing gentle quality. I hope that he will overcome his reticence and talk with this lady."

Back in the hall, Tim's head was spinning. This was not the conversation he'd expected to hear.

Ziva continued, "Tony is a good agent and a good man. I did not mean to imply anything less."

"Well, that's kind of underwhelming. What's going on? Did he download that replace keys prank to your computer last week when you had all of that paperwork to do?"

"Replace keys?" A light dawned in Ziva's eyes.

"Oops, forget I mentioned that. What's wrong with Tony?"

"Nothing is wrong with Tony." She turned so that her profile was visible to eavesdroppers. With an enigmatic smile on her face she continued, "I love Tony."


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3: Was This Rule Meant To Be Broken?

The seminar given by Captain Marcam finished mid morning. It was not quite as dull as Tony predicted, but five minutes into the seminar Tim was wishing for a little non-violent home invasion or Tony's missing persons case to take them away. The captain spent his days in court presenting evidence; couldn't he have imbued his speech with a little panache or was he just as bored by the topic as they were?

What kept Tim from dozing off was Tony's unusual behavior. During these seminars, Tony spent his time snoozing or making paper footballs that would clear the desk in front of him. Today he seemed to be deep in thought, though not necessarily distressed. Tim studied him, but couldn't tell the outcome of their experiment. He could see that Abby was anxious to find out by the way she kept shifting in her chair to look at Tony.

As they filed out, Abby shot Tim a significant look. She was dying to question Tony, but she couldn't let him know she'd been aware that they were listening earlier. Tim returned her look, promising he'd call her later. He smiled as she turned away; he bet she was going to tap into the security cameras near the bullpen and read their lips.

If she did, she was destined to be disappointed. There was little conversation in the bullpen; Tony made no comments that were not work related until noon. That in of itself was unusual and the single minded focus he seemed to give the six year old cold case was extraordinary for him, though he surveyed Ziva covertly when he thought Tim wasn't watching. There was not even a hint that he'd heard the conversation that morning.

At noon Ziva stood. "I just received a message from Abby. She seems to be bogged with evidence and she would like me to pick up lunch for her. I am going to The Grit, would either of you like to join me?"

Tim restrained a snort. Abby must have reached the limits of her endurance.

Tony looked up from his work. "It's 'swamped,' and I don't do tofu. McCarnivore and I were planning to get lunch from the new barbeque place."

Tim tried to hide his surprise. "Um, that's right. Sorry, Ziva."

"Maybe next time," Ziva smiled at him.

Tim waited for the elevator doors to close. "What are you talking about? We don't have any plans."

"But you don't mind, do you Probie?" Tony smiled winningly. "After hearing her conversation with Abby, I need to think some things over before spending time with Ziva in a non-work environment."

"What do you mean?"

"Are you deaf? She said she loved me."

"After she called you adequate. It's not necessarily a glowing endorsement."

"No, she called me a good man. That can be quite high praise."

"Coming from my grandmother." Tim snorted.

"You're just jealous." Tony accused.

"I am not. In fact she seemed more interested in my situation than in you."

"Really? She called you gentle. That's one step removed from wuss."

"Is not."

"Is too. No," Tony held up his hand to stop further comments. "'I love you' can only be interpreted in so many ways; the first as to family, the next as to kittens, and the last as to the man of her dreams."

"And that's you."

"The DiNozzo charm, it never fails." Tony was smug.

"Really? If I were you, I'd re-evaluate your interpretation."

"That is beneath you, McEnvious. Now, I need to decide on my response. I mean, she's extremely attractive, she's very talented, she's intelligent…"

"Not if it means she's fallen for you."

Tony continued as if hadn't heard. "But she's also lethal. If something were to go bad between us, she could kill me."

"She's not Mossad anymore."

"Well then, incapacitate me."

"That's always a possibility even if you aren't dating." Tim reminded him.

"Be quiet, McSnarky. Then I need to consider that we're coworkers and Rule 12 applies. What would Gibbs do if he found out? It wouldn't be pleasant, but it probably wouldn't fatal. After all, he let you date Abby."

"That was different; I was at Norfolk."

"You were still co-workers," Tony reconsidered, "but maybe that was an exception because Abby is his favorite. If that were true then things could get ugly."

"What could get ugly?" Abby joined them.

"If Tony were to date Ziva and Gibbs discovered it." Tim answered her with a smirk.

Abby hid her dismay. "Why would Tony ask Ziva out?"

"He overheard a conversation outside of your lab this morning."

"Tony!"

"Abbs, you called us down to the lab so you knew we'd be coming. If you'd really wanted to keep the conversation private you should have had it somewhere else." Tony justified himself.

"So it's _my_ fault that _you_ were eavesdropping?" Abby was incredulous.

"That's right." Tony smiled.

"Give it up Abby, he's not going to change." Tim said.

"Yes, there are bigger issues to ponder. Would it be worth it to brave the wrath of Gibbs to find out what a relationship with Ziva could be like?" Tony returned to his dilemma.

Abby was thinking fast. "I guess it depends on how convinced you are that she really loves you."

"What do you mean? You were there. She said she did."

"Yes, but are you sure you know what she meant?"

"I've been over this with McGee. She wouldn't have said it if she didn't." Tony was becoming annoyed.

"No, but I say that I love Father Patrick, puppies, and Caf-Pow, and I don't want to date any of them. Especially not Father Patrick. He reminds me too much of one of the teachers I had growing up in Louisiana. He was a nice enough…"

"Abby!"

"I just mean she didn't sound very enthusiastic."

"Maybe she's not sure that I have the same feelings for her and she's afraid to show her true emotions." Tony challenged.

"This sounds like we're in high school. Do you want me to slip a note in her locker?" Tim asked.

"Probie!"

"Well it does, Tony. You know, we need to go now to pick up the barbeque. Ziva's going to be back here soon with Abby's food and she'll be suspicious if we don't have anything."

"They deliver. I put in an order on their website a while ago." Tony checked his watch. "They should be arriving any minute; I'll go down to meet them."

Tim turned to Abby as soon as Tony was out of earshot. "It didn't work."

"Our set up was awkward. We should have practiced it." Abby fretted.

"He wasn't threatened."

"But she didn't say 'I love you,' she said 'I love Tony.' It's not the same. Let's give it another trial, or several—she's never done this before."

"One more." Tim proposed.

"At least three." Abby countered.

"Two."

"Three. And I'll bet you fifty dollars that she has him shaking in his boots before the third time."

"Deal." They shook hands. "Now what?"

"Leave it to me."

Tony returned with the food and they discussed the lack of progress on the case while they ate. Abby received a text. "Ziva's on her way back. I think you need talk to her about this. What's the worst that can happen?"

"The worst? I guess I'll be okay as long as she's not armed."

"She's wearing a knife today." Tim said absently.

"How do you know that, Probie?"

"Well… um, I…"

"If you look closely enough you'll see it." Gibbs walked back into the bullpen. As he passed Tony, Gibbs administered a head slap.

"What was that for?" Tony was surprised.

"My rules were not made to be broken." Gibbs glared first at Tony; then moved on to Tim, who became very interested in the search results scrolling by on his monitor. "Are we having a party here?"

"We were discussing the Slaugenhaught case. Abby had some suggestions for tracing the weapon."

"And?"

"On it right now, boss." Tim swept away the remnants of his lunch and focused on his computer.

"I'll just go with Abby to examine her results in the ballistics lab." Tony stood, motioning for Abby to go with him.

When they reached the lab, Ziva was leaving to return to work having delivered Abby's food to her desk. Abby seized the opportunity and shoved Tony out of lab after her with an encouraging wink. Alone in the elevator, Tony worked up his nerve to ask her about the morning's conversation.

"You know, I overheard something interesting before our seminar this morning."

"Really."

"I was outside the lab and Abby's music was off. Voices really carry out of the lab when it isn't on to cover them; that must be why she plays her music so loudly."

"You were eavesdropping?" Ziva lifted her eyebrow.

"Well yes." Tony tried to gauge her reaction. "I heard you two talking about some of your coworkers."

"Yes, we were."

"And you said something about me."

"I believe I did." She began to snap a rubber band between her fingers.

_She's not helping_, Tony fretted. "I'm not sure I heard it clearly, you know, since I wasn't in the room. Would you clarify it for me? Since, you know, it was about me."

"Of course. I love you, Tony." Ziva smirked as she continued to play with the rubber band.


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4: What Has She Done?

"I don't think love has the same meaning in Israel as it does in America." Tony was walking with Tim on the way back to the bullpen from the evidence garage. "You should have seen the way she was playing with that rubber band. Do you think she understood what Abby meant this morning about the replacement keys?"

"Oh, yeah." Tim smirked. "She asked me how to get rid of them while you were meeting with Gibbs."

"Great. I'm done for."

"Do you think she's going to kill you?" Tim waited on tenterhooks to hear Tony's response to Ziva's 'I love you.'

"No." Tony said and Tim relaxed. "Remember the prank war that we carried on during the stakeout when we were watching the stolen radar?"

"Yes. You looked great with raccoon eyes."

"Thanks. She's going to try to get even."

"What do you think she'll do?"

"I don't know, but it's going to be good. I had that thing in place on her computer for over two weeks."

"Yes, I heard all of the swearing. I picked up quite a few new phrases. I wish I knew what they all meant."

The elevator opened to their floor and they stepped off. Ziva was just leaving to visit the archives. She smirked at Tony as she left with a stack of folders in her arms.

Tony was alarmed. "Wait. She was here. Alone. With my stuff."

He ran to his desk and checked the drawer in which he kept his extra-curricular reading material. Tony pulled out the latest issue of GSM and flipped through it. He sighed with relief when he found the magazine was present, accounted for, and in pristine condition.

"What do you think she will do?" Amused, Tim leaned against his desk.

"I don't know, but it's going to be big." Tony began to check his chair for signs of tampering. "Big, like taking a desk drawer, lining it with a plastic bag, and then filling it with water and a couple of goldfish."

"What?"

"I did that to the chief's desk in Peoria just before I left. He mounted a full investigation—had forensics up there and everything—but he never identified the perpetrator. It was probably one of my finest moments."

"If you say so."

Tony was on his knees checking out the underside of his desk when Abby walked in. "What in the world are you doing?"

"Tony thinks Ziva's trying to get even for the replacement keys prank." Tim was still watching. This experiment had become extremely entertaining.

"I know she's done something, but what?" Tony stared at his desktop. "My stapler. There's something different about it."

"It looks the same to me."

"No, it's too shiny. I bet she tried the old Vaseline on the stapler trick." He pulled a tissue and gingerly picked up the stapler.

Tim examined the tissue. "It's clean."

"Okay, it's not the stapler. What else looks different?" His eyes roamed over the desktop. "That pen! That's not my pen."

"You're right, that's…" Abby started.

"Just like the exploding pen I saw online the other day. Stand back, I'm going to crush it."

"Wait, Tony! That's…" Abby protested as Tony stomped on the pen. Ink squirted out.

"Oops."

"…My pen." She finished with a scowl. "I must have left it here at lunch."

"Sorry." He said absently as he analyzed his desktop.

"Tony, what are you going to do about the ink stain on the carpet?" Tim asked.

"I'll deal with it later. Maybe I'll have my probie, who asks so many questions, deal with it for me. You know, reflecting on the raccoon eyes she gave me last time, I think she'll stick with the classics. How about," he reached for the phone, "toothpaste on the earpiece."

"It's clean, too." Abby smirked. "Maybe you should have installed a hidden camera."

"Abby, that's it!" Tony brightened at the idea. "The security tape footage of the bullpen. Can you get it for me?"

"I could, but we'd have to ask the director for his approval."

"Why?"

"We would need permission to invade everyone's privacy."

"It's a public building, there is no such thing as privacy." Tony scoffed.

"Maybe not, but I'm not allowed to pull footage unless something's really hinky; like when that psycho swak lady sent us the _Y. pestis_."

"Something _is_ really hinky. Ziva is going to prank me and it's going to be epic. As in stealing-all-of-your-clothing-while-you're-in-the-shower-after-gym-class-so-you-have-to-run-through-the-hallways-in-a-towel-to-your-locker kind of epic."

"I don't think that's a good enough reason, Tony." Abby warned and Tim straightened up in response to Vance's entrance into the bullpen.

"Sure it is. You could do it easily. No one ever has to know."

"Know what, Agent DiNozzo?"

"Know that Abby can bowl over a 200 in the tournament this weekend." Tony winced and said the first thing that came to mind as he turned to face the director.

"Why would she want to keep that a secret?"

"Well, she's not the boasting kind, sir. I just wanted to encourage her to do her best." He looked imploringly at the others.

"That's right, Director." To his surprise, Tim found himself helping Tony. "Abby sometimes hides her talents so that others aren't intimidated."

"Really." The director seemed unconvinced, but willing to drop his questioning. "Are you discussing anything besides Ms. Scuito's bowling ability, perhaps something work related?"

"We've been reviewing the pictures of the crime scene in the Slaugenhaught case and updating the original computer reenactment of the killing."

"Carry on then." Director turned to leave. "Oh, and DiNozzo, you might want to do something about that ink stain on the carpet."

Tony waited until the Director was no longer in sight. "This is crazy. I'm never going to figure it out in time."

"Then you should resign yourself to suffering whatever Ziva has done in retaliation. You did strike first." Tim said.

"But she's the probie. She isn't supposed to get me back. You never did."

"That you know of." Tim muttered.

"What does that mean?"

Abby interrupted. "Ziva's different. She's not used to being treated like a probie. Remember the blue teeth she gave you at Halloween?"

"You're right. I still owe her for that." Tony thought. "You know, I think I'll strike preemptively. That will settle the score for the blue teeth and whatever she did to my workspace."

"But you don't know that she did anything." Tim objected.

"She did. I'm sure of that." Tony bent over and pulled something out of the bottom desk drawer.

"You keep fishing line in your desk?"

"It comes in handy sometimes."

"For what?" Abby was amused.

"I'm going to tie everything sitting on Ziva's desk to the back of her chair. When she pulls out her chair to sit, everything will go crashing onto the floor."

"That's creative."

"Yes, but she's not going to be happy." Tim warned.

"I wasn't happy when we returned from interviewing the witness at Norfolk and I discovered my teeth were blue." Tony retorted.

"Still, I don't think I want to be here. It feels like I'm aiding and abetting, and I don't want Ziva to think that I helped." Tim replied.

"Good idea. I think it's time for a coffee break. Would you like to treat me to a Caf-Pow?" Abby smiled up at Tim.

They returned a few minutes later to the scene of a disaster. Ziva must have just pulled out her chair and triggered the prank. Besides the pencils, pens, and other desk top items spread across the floor, it looked like her empty coffee mug snagged on the potted plant beside her desk and that had fallen too. Unfortunately, she'd just watered it and mud had splashed onto the carpet, assorted papers, and Ziva's clothes. She was staring blankly at the mess, while Tony was half out of his chair with a stricken look on his face.

"Oh, my." Abby gasped.

"I don't think that was supposed to happen." Tim stared.

"Tony?" Ziva's tone was quiet and steady.

"Yes?" Tony's tone wasn't steady at all.

"Do you know who might have fishing line here at work?"

"Well, maybe Gibbs. He builds boats, maybe he fishes in his spare time." Tony responded weakly.

"I see. Do you think Gibbs is responsible for this mess?" Ziva walked over to Tony's desk.

"Well… I don't think… I mean he doesn't seem…"

"I doubt that Gibbs fishes in his spare time and I do not think that he is responsible for this mess." She leaned across the desk.

Tony slid down in his chair. "Really?"

"I seem to recall that when Abby wanted to hang Christmas decorations, you had a spool of line in your desk."

"I did?" Tony almost squeaked.

"Yes, you did." Ziva leaned closer. "I do not know why this was done, but I believe that I am looking at the perpetrator right now."

"You are?"

"Yes." Ziva reached out to pat his cheek. "I love you, Tony."


	5. Chapter 5

Part. 5: She's Going To Kill Me.

"Abby, have you seen Tony?" Tim had called Abby in an attempt to locate his missing coworker.

"_No, not since the prank. Why?"_

"He's missing and Gibbs is in a foul humor. Harrison in Legal finally caught up with him."

"_Ooh, he's been dodging that guy for weeks."_

"Yeah, this time the boss didn't have the excuse of an urgent current case when Harrison cornered him."

"_Well, the way el jefe bends the rules when it comes to interrogation, he should have known it was coming."_

"The powers that be are still upset that we let Carlson get away."

"_They should be happy that we brought in his boss and shut the ring down."_

"He was guilty of attempted murder; they don't like the bad guys getting away." Tim redirected. "Back to Tony. Did he say anything to you?"

"_No. Did you check in Intel? There's a new analyst, Heather Abbott, that he might be consulting with."_

"Doesn't she work the Asian desk? What would she have to say about a murder that took place in Norfolk?"

"_Heather is intelligent, motivated, and a former Miss Alabama."_

"I see. That wouldn't be reason enough for him to brave the wrath of Gibbs."

"_True."_

"Well, if you see him, send him up."

"_Okay."_

Tim looked up to see Gibbs standing over him. "He's not in forensics, boss."

Ziva hung up her phone. "Tony is not in the evidence garage, either."

"He could have found a connection to another cold case and he's over in the archives." Tim suggested. "I could go…"

"No you'll stay here. Someone needs to be working this case to find the lead that breaks it open."

Tim and Ziva looked in dismay at the files lying on their desks. There had been minimal physical evidence recovered at the crime scene and no seeming motives among the man's associates. They'd run out of ideas yesterday.

"Yes, Gibbs."

"Will do, boss."

"I'm going to check with Ducky." Gibbs paused in his walk toward the elevator. "Ziva, why does Thurman Atteberry want to talk to me about carpet?"

In autopsy, Ducky was determined to fix an annoying squeal on one of the cabinet doors before he continued working with his latest guest. "I know there must be a can of WD40 here. I used it in December for the sticking lock on the equipment room, or was that in October, right before Halloween? No matter, it's in here somewhere. I can't abide that noise any longer. Of course there have been…Ah!" Ducky jumped in surprise as he saw Tony hiding in the supply closet. "Good heavens my boy, you startled me."

"Sorry, Ducky."

"What on earth are you doing in here?"

"I'm hiding."

"From Jethro? I fear this is not the best place to avoid him."

"No, I'm hiding from Ziva."

"What have you done to Ziva to make you hide from her during the work day and risk incurring Gibbs' displeasure by your absence?"

"It's like this." Tony began. "A prank that I played to get her back for a prank she hadn't played yet went horribly wrong. How was I to know that plant would get tangled in with the office supplies that were swept off her desk?"

"I'm afraid I wasn't able to follow all of your explanation, but would it be correct to say that you attacked Ziva without provocation and now she is angry with you?

"Kind of."

"I understand your concern, but I don't think hiding from her will solve anything."

"It will give her time to cool down. I'm worried about my life and limbs."

"I'm sure she wouldn't do anything…permanent to you." Ducky said with a slight smile.

"I don't know; you didn't hear her."

"What did she say?"

"She said…" the rest of Tony's comment was incoherent.

"I couldn't hear you."

"She said 'I love you.'"

"And this concerns you because?"

"You didn't hear her, Duck. It was the way she said it. Does Israeli tradition require an endearment to be made before killing an enemy?"

"No, but American custom dictates that you never shoot a guy in the back." A new voice entered the conversation.

"Boss." Tony reddened.

"That's why I'm going to let you turn around before I say anything else." Gibbs' face was stern.

"I can explain."

"Yes?"

"Well, it's kind of complicated." Tony started.

"Does this have anything to do with Atteberry grumbling about the extra work cleaning the carpet?"

"Oh, man."

"I would suggest that you speak with him at the earliest opportunity. Ziva might be the deadlier of the two, but you do not want Thurman Atteberry angry with you, either." Ducky advised.

"DiNozzo, only you could create a mess on this large of a scale."

"I once had a coach who told me never to do anything half-way." Tony made an attempt at humor before Gibbs' hand connected with the back of his head. "Ow!"

"Now, it's quitting time for the rest of the team, but according to my estimate, you've been playing hooky for an hour and a half. I want to see you upstairs in your desk and working for at least that long before you pack up."

"Right, boss."

"What are you waiting for?" Gibbs asked when Tony showed no signs of leaving.

"Can't I wait until the rest of the team has left to begin? I promise I'll do two more hours if…"

"Now, DiNozzo!"

Upstairs, Tim and Ziva were shutting down their computers and preparing to leave for the evening. Abby was leaning against Tim's desk talking with the two agents. The conversation stilled as they all turned to watch Tony walk into the room.

Tony had the bearing of a man walking to his own execution. His footsteps faltered as he neared their desks as if he weren't sure of his destination, but Gibbs presence behind him spurred him on to stand in front of Ziva.

"Ziva, I want to," he looked back at his boss who nodded to him to continue, "to apologize to you for messing up your desk, damaging your plant, and dirtying your clothes. Can you forgive me?"

Ziva smiled. "Of course, Tony. You know I love you."

As Tony's face turned red, Gibbs began to laugh. In the background, Abby held out her hand to Tim who handed over her winnings with an aggrieved face.


End file.
